


Tseng Has Problems

by Adrastiana



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 11:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16597316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastiana/pseuds/Adrastiana
Summary: Big problems. Tseng needs therapy. His Aeris obsession has gone a little too far. And now Elena might want to consider a career change.





	Tseng Has Problems

**Author's Note:**

> All the way from 2008. What the hell was wrong with me? I wrote this after some weird AIM conversations with my friend Joe. We used to rip on Tseng and come up with weird stuff like this. XD
> 
> Those chats were really... Something. And I don't hate Tseng. This is just the way it usually went when we talked about him. This is a very ridiculous fic.
> 
> Anyway, Tseng's got some problems here. If you wanna be with Tseng (whether it be friend, lover or co-worker) then you better get used to his obsessive Aeris complex. Otherwise things are just not going to work out very well.

Elena ran into Reeve's office and shut the door behind her. Reeve, who was just taking off his coat after arriving for work, was surprised.  


"Elena? What's the matter?"  


"Reeve! I'm so glad you're here to save me!" Elena cried, clinging to him.  


"Umm... Well...," Reeve began, blushing. "Please tell me what happened."  


It's horrible!" Elena cried. "I narrowly escaped with my sanity intact! He was chasing me around in the office this morning. I knew after last night that I would be in danger! Why didn't I call out sick..."  


"He?" Reeve asked.  


"Tseng! He asked me out. I thought it was going to be great. But he took us to a dress maker in Wall Market. The next thing I knew I was dressed as that Cetra girl. Wig and everything! He wanted me to sell him flowers! He kept calling me Aeris. When I told him I was Elena he kept asking me if I had a fever! He said he had a very special healing treatment in his pants and-"  


"Say no more!" Reeve said, upset with himself for failing her. "Oh Elena! I should have told you the moment I found out you had feelngs for Tseng. It's my fault that this happened. You poor thing..."  


Elena was confused. "What are you talking about? What's wrong with Tseng?"  


Reeve sighed. "Let's just say... A lot of things are wrong with Tseng, Elena. A lot of things. I think you had better sit down..."  


Elena sat down and Reeve relayed the story of how, because of his resemblance to Veld, ( whom Tseng had slept with to get where he is now) he had been sexually harassed and accosted to the point that he had to develop robotic clones of himself as a form of protection.  


"It was terrible!" Reeve said, wincing as he remembered the incidents that had cost him thousands of gil in therapy. "Then he tried to make me wear the pink dress. He wanted me to sell him flowers as well! And remember that sudden vacation notice that Tseng phoned in from Mideel?"  


Elena nodded. "That was strange..."  


"Indeed it was!" Reeve continued. "He was really there for emergency medical treatment after he tried to pull the same thing on Rude. He didn't want anyone to know that 22 of his teeth are now implants. All because he couldn't control his urges. So you see, Elena, you aren't alone. Many of us have suffered at the hands of Tseng and his sick and twisted mind. We were hoping that you'd avoid becoming one of us. But because you fell for him... I should have told you! I'm so sorry!"  


"It's all right, Reeve," Elena assured. "I can see why you wouldn't want to subject me to that kind of knowledge. But now that I know isn't there anything I can do?"  


Reeve shook his head. "Just stay away from Tseng, Elena."  


"But he's my boss and he needs help!"  


"Elena, have you ever considered being transferred to another department? Perhaps a transfer to another city? Maybe a new career altogether?"  


"Is it really that bad?" Elena asked.  


Reeve nodded. "I am afraid so."  


"Well I'm not quitting or being transferred! I've worked too hard! And besides, Tseng needs my help. I can't just give up on him because he's sick in the head. I'll get him some therapy."  


Reeve shook his head. "I'm afraid he's beyond therapy, my dear. Far, far beyond therapy. You had best give up on him now. Find yourself someone who isn't deranged. Don't throw your life away on a lost cause like Tseng. It's very sad but he's completely gone in the head."  


"But..."  


Reeve sighed. "Trust me, Elena. I know what I'm talking about. He wanted to scar my face so I'd look more like Veld. I narrowly escaped with my face unharmed."  


Elena looked shocked. "That's terrible!"  


Reeve nodded, rubbing his cheek. "He chased me with a plastic knife. In the cafeteria no less! No one stopped him because he was a Turk. I got into the elevator safely. But when I reached my floor he was right there waiting. Sweating and panting! He ran up over 20 flights of stairs in less than a minute. That, Elena, is the extent of his madness. Please take heed."  


"Oh Reeve, I... I...," Elena stuttered, near tears. She hadn't even considered that the scope of Tseng's problems were this wide.  


"It's alright, Elena," Reeve soothed. "It's not your fault. Now you are welcome to stay here with me as long as you like. But sooner or later you will have to face Tseng. He's your boss so it will be unavoidable. I strongly advise you to consider my-"  


Suddenly Reno rushed in, wearing a pink dress and an Aeris wig. "Oh my god! Reeve! Help me!"  


Reeve sighed. "So he's finally gotten to Reno as well. I knew this day would come."  



End file.
